REPOST: Abortions ad Absurdum

I just got back into my office from a lunch meeting of the American Association for Affirmative Abortions. After a terrific Italian sushi meal, we were treated to a keynote address from Jennifer Troundly, vice-president of advertising for the AAAA. I forgot my digital recorder, so I didn't get to record the speech but I took copious notes so I could report the latest to you.

Ms. Troundly began her speech, launching directly into the latest AAAA concern. Citing statistics from several recent studies, she shocked the attendees with this bombshell.

"We are dismayed to find from many recent studies that black women have far more abortions than white women, somewhere at a rate of 5 to 1. We, at the AAAA find this an unacceptable disparity in abortions. As we know, blacks make up only about 13% of the total US population. Clearly abortions have become racially biased. This is unfair abortion practice. Despite the gains we've made in electing a Congress that is almost entirely pro-choice and despite having the most pro-choice president ever elected, government is not doing its job to ensure equal opportunity abortions in the United States. It falls on the AAAA to push Congress to ensure racial equality for abortions."

Ms. Troundly went on to outline a multi-step plan of AAAA to promote abortion equality.

"Clearly, black women are doing their part in exercising their reproductive rights and right to choose. We should commend the determination these brave women show in preserving women's rights in America.

However, the message isn't getting out to other women, white women in particular, and we're afraid that freedom of choice is being stifled once again by hateful and tyrannic people such as Catholics, Evangelicals, Mormons, and other religious nuts.

The obvious plan points to our need to encourage more white women to exercise their right to choose in order to balance the racial gap."

Ms. Troundly then referred to a PowerPoint presentation.

"We are working closely with government funded agencies such as Planned Parenthood to bring white abortions up to statistical balance. This involves applying standard Affirmative Action methods to enable more white women to have abortions. These include efforts to maximize the benefits of abortion diversity in all levels of society and to redress disadvantages due to overt, institutional, or involuntary discrimination.

To help promote our cause, the SEIU has indicated a willingness to canvass at-risk neighborhoods in order to get the word out to white women to encourage them to exercise their reproductive rights. The SEIU will also sponsor grassroots campaigns in fifteen of the largest cities in the US.

In connection with teachers unions in all 57 states, we have developed an active K-12 in-school program to educate young women about the pain and suffering of actually giving birth. In connection with this, we have contracted with Michael Moore to produce a documentary to be shown in every class in America, "Giving Birth: Is It Really Worth the Hassle?" Today's students are not properly educated about how much pain and suffering a woman has to go through to actually carry a baby full term and then give birth. We'd like to ensure that every girl, from kindergarten through high school understands what a chore having a baby can be.

We have contracted with Gobbler LLC, a national telemarketing firm to present creative offers to stimulate interest in abortion services. For example, now at seventy-three abortion clinics across the United States, we offer a free box of Omuhah steaks with every abortion. You can have your abortion and then enjoy 10 delicious prime rib or filet mignon steaks.

This incentive program has worked well so far but doesn't reach our target goals for white women. We are currently developing several abortion spas in upper-class neighborhoods in seven major US cities. Money for this project was kindly funded within the congressional stimulus package. We hope that these spas will attract upper class white women who, after their abortion, can spend the rest of a relaxing day at the spa and receive such services as a facial, a pedicure, or a massage.

As a final measure, we will also closely track embryo sales to stem cell research firms in order to provide enough embryo donations for this important research. Also funded within the current stimulus package, stem cell research facilities will be given grants to advertise to women who wish to sell embryos for research.

With these new systems, the racial inequities of abortion can erased. Remember, we're just trying to level the playing field and restore balance to a woman's right to choose."

I slipped out the back door, a little shaken after the entire proceeding erupted into loud cries of "Right to Choose! Right to Choose! Right to Choose!"